I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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