Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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