whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
