I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
