I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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