I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
