He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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