Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
