I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
