Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
