How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Randomize
