i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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