i just sent this text using only my big toe
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
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Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
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I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I am available for nakedness