Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
