The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I just found a bag of teeth...
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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