Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
