You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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