Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
