he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
