Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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