Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
