So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
