wrigley field is MILF paradise
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
