Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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