I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
