why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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