they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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