At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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