My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
My feet surprised me
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
