I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
