Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
