Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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