Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
