Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize