haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
