No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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