Yo dont text me then not text me
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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