Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
