Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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