she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You dont lie about slip and slides
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
