my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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