Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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