if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
