why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
