I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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