So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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