There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
