1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
