I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
