Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
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Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
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Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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