did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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