can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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