6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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