you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
