Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
