Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
