dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
