If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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