1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
