I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
