dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
