Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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