Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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