I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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