i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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